PREPPING FOR THE CENSLESS

So I decided I’d get a head start for the Census. I don’t know if they’ve made a mistake but they posted all the questions already on their website so you can totally swat up beforehand. I hope the Department of Education don’t have the same guy looking after the Leaving Cert...!

Anyway ... here are the questions. (I’m so gonna ace this fu(&er on April 26)

There are 35 questions on the census form which must be answered for each individual person in the household.

Question 1 – What is your name?

Your name is what people call you.

Question 2 – Sex

That is not a question.  Please use complete sentences beginning with an interrogative pronoun (Who / What / Where) and ending in a question mark (?) .... but since you ask....every second Wednesday.

Question 3 – What is your date of birth?

I can’t remember … I was very young

Question 4 – What is your relationship to Person 1?

I love him

Question 5 – What is your current marital status?

A bit rocky but we’re working on it

Question 6 – What is your place of birth?

Pretty sure it was hospital but see Question 3

Question 7 – Where do you usually live?

At home

Question 8 – Where did you usually live one year ago?

At home

Question 9 – Have you lived outside the Republic of Ireland for a continuous period of one

year or more?

Possibly when I was born…my memory only goes back to when I was 4 so before that I couldn’t say for sure ... you’d have to ask me Ma

Question 10 – What is your Nationality?

Your nationality is the country you were born.

Question 11 – What is your ethnic or cultural background?

Right now I’m in work, so the background is kind of Scandinavian themed wallpaper ... I would say … “Nordic”. There’s a picture of my kids too.

Question 12 – What is your religion?

Your religion is what you believe in.

Question 13 – How many children have you given birth to?

That is physiologically impossible … I am a man!?!!

Question 14 – Can you speak Irish?

Níl aon gaeilge agam.

Question 15 – Do you speak a language other than English or Irish at home?

yes ... my dog understands Elvish.

Question 16 – Do you have any of the following long-lasting conditions or difficulties?

Yes … but my eyesight must be going cos I can’t see a list of options...?!

Question 17 – If ‘Yes’ to any of the categories specified in Question 16, do you have any

difficulty in doing any of the following?

I’m really worried now … I think I my brain is filtering out medical terms..!?!?!?!

Question 18 – How is your health in general?

Ah sure I’m grand... bit worried about me eyes now though....

Question 19 – How do you usually travel to work, school or college?

With me Ma

Question 20 – What time do you usually leave home to go to work, school or college?

Roughly breakfast time

Question 21 – How long does your journey to work, school or college usually take?

Ah it'd be long enough now ... traffic is MAD like ... can I get a bus lane permit?

Question 22 – Do you provide regular unpaid personal help for a friend or family member

with a long-term illness, health problem or disability?

Yes … my brother is a prick so I have to spend a lot of time comforting my sister

Question 23 – If you are aged under 15, go to Q34.

What’s in queue 34?

Question 24 – Have you ceased your full-time education?

No … life is a journey of constant learning and I am still alive

Question 25 – What is the highest level of education/training (full-time or part-time) which

you have completed to date?

Level 98 (FarmVille)

Question 26 – What is the main field of study of the highest qualification you have completed to date?

The main field is about 20 acres but I plan on cutting some hedgerow to give me a bit more.  I’m concentrating on wheat mostly – it grows fast so you can get lots of points and level up really quick


Question 27 – How would you describe your present principal status?

I think my principal is pretty sound but some of the other teachers can be mean

Question 28 – If you are working, unemployed or retired, go to Q 29. If you are a student go

to Q34. Otherwise, go to Q35.

I hate queueing … will I be long?

Question 29 – Do (did) you work as an employee or are (were) you self-employed in your

main job?

Yes

Question 30 – What is (was) your occupation in your main job?

I am a Bosser Arounder

Question 31 – If you are retired, go to Q35.

I haven’t retired yet. I need to put the cat out and set the table for the morning … then I can retire.

Question 32 – What is (was) the business of your employer at the place where you work(ed)

in your main job?

He is my Bosser Arounder

Question 33 – If you are unemployed go to Q35.

Has it got any shorter yet … it’s probably full of retired people!!

Question 34 – What is the full name and address of your place of work, school or college?

Too late … I have retired now … see you in the morning.

Question 35 – Answer questions for the next person in the household.

zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz

(next morning)

(yawn) ... (scratches bollix) ... Ah there y’are .... Peace o’ Cake this Census thingy! ... you should totally try it